Some love stories gets knitted into your whole life and marks
the entire history of one’s being. And yet you never recognize it even existed until
it hits you suddenly. Today is one such day in my life.
I am a 30 year old
guy, sitting at my wedding reception with a beautiful girl and I just cannot
stop thinking about my very first love. Let me tell you, I am not the one to
use the “L” word lightly. I have always hesitated away from this word, deeming
it to be non-existential thing. Life has proved me otherwise; twice. This is
about the very first time.
About someone who came into my life at an age where
love was not a complicated word. Where I- love- you and I- love- ice- cream,
had same depth of feelings. I remember hanging around with her all the time, sharing
my toys, my cookies. I liked her smile.
I think I told her that couple of times and she just laughed. I am pretty sure she liked me too. She would
always save the best piece of cake for me and bring my favorite toys to play
along. I did not know I loved her. It felt just nice to hang around her. I remember
how her eyes used to twinkle with that innocent smile. We used to hold hands
all the time; A very awkward confession at this current stage of life. I don’t remember
saying” I love you” explicitly but she did mentioned later, that I used to say
that to her a lot.
I grew little older and we became best friends. We would do
all sorts of things together. I remember getting jealous when she used to play
with others. But she would always pick me over others. My dad used to say “You
two are just inseparable”. I should have known that she loved me. But like all
the good things in life, I never recognized her. The brute teenage phase of
life came and things just fell apart. I can’t say whose fault was it. I guess
it was the age itself. We wanted different things. She silently stepped back
from my life while I got engrossed in other things. We stayed in touch after I moved
away for college. But it was not like earlier. I missed her less. We would
still see each other over holidays or just call occasionally, but I think I had
moved on from my part. I got my dream job, she congratulated me and then we
talked even lesser, met even lesser. I did not think she missed me too. She was
busy in her hectic life. Somewhere in the corner of my heart I had this guilt,
but I got over it really quickly. You see, love was non existential for me.
Then I met another girl, and fell in love. For first time I said
it out loud. Can you imagine it? I said it to someone whom I had met three
years back and never to the one who was always around me. She was still happy
for me and came to my wedding. But now
as I look at her sitting at my wedding reception, sharing my wedding cake with
some other man, I feel uncomfortable. I don’t feel infuriated because that would
be unfair. She was not infuriated when I left her or lost touch with her. She did
not tried to push her way into my life but instead just moved on with her life.
Then why do I feel this sudden need to
tell her that I loved her. It was an impulse with which I got up and walked
towards her. I looked at her and she smiled at me. Her eyes still filled with
that twinkling magic .I fumbled for words. How do you say something like that
at a time like this .But before I could say anything she raised the piece of
cake towards me.
“I saved you the best dear” Her face glowed with her smile.
I took that piece of cake and finally said
“I love you mom”
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